im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
