oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
