I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
