his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
