I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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