i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
