he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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