can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
