I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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