I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
