my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
