Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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