I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We talked him into tasing himself.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
