You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize