How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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