how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
