I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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