She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
