my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize