DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
