sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
