i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
