he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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