I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
