dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
