Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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