Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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