My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
