new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
