i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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