So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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