That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
