Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
