I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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