She said her name was "party"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
