awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
