someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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