If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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