Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize