I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
