Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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