You're my little dorito
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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