grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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