For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
