WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize