I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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