i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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