did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
