I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize