I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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