You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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