I just pynch a tree in the face
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
