So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
