You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
