Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
