So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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