i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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