I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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