dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
