grandma shit on top of the toilet
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
