Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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