Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
