I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
