you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize